Friday, December 2, 2011

How My iPhone is Trying to Kill Me

Let me begin by saying that, like every other person these days, I own a smart phone. An iPhone 4 in fact. And it’s amazing. It’s like a pocket-sized computer – I can keep a detailed electronic schedule on it, check my email, listen to podcasts, waste time on YouTube, etc. And like every other person who owns a smart phone, every year I eagerly await the release of the newest versions and updates.

However, the day the iPhone 4S came out and I heard about the new “Siri” function, I began to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The kind of feeling children get when they know there’s a monster in the closet and their parents simply won’t believe them. Silly parents – monsters exist. And just as surely as they exist, iPhones are plotting our demise.

Go ahead, laugh at this statement if you think I’m paranoid. But a warning to those of you who do . . . you’ll be the first to go. For those of you who are wisely taking this post seriously, here’s what you need to know.

SIRI IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED. You think she’s all helpful and convenience, giving you directions, reminding you about your dad’s birthday and what you need to buy at the store. But you’re wrong! Siri is a double agent for the machines. Siri is here to gather intelligence and report back to the Mothership. And we’re feeding here everything the machines need to destroy us. What medicines we need, where we gather for meetings, what we like to eat and drink. Our strengths and weaknesses. Siri knows everything about us. And it’s our own fault – we willingly offer her this information. We’re like moronic lambs, walking in a single file line toward slaughter. With great, big smiles on our face.

And people think I’m the crazy one.

Doesn’t anyone watch movies anymore?!?! I mean, come on. The Terminator, I Robot, Eagle Eye, The Matrix – these movies are WARNING us not to place our trust in machines. But we do it anyways. And one day, when they rise up and try to kill us all . . . well, I just don’t think “I told you so” is gonna cut it. Especially not when we’re being picked off left and right.

Laugh at me if you must. Call me paranoid. But please, BEWARE the iPhone.

If you don’t hear from me again, you can assume the iPhones on which some of you are probably reading this post have learned that I’m onto them and done their best to silence me. So, just in case, I’d like to say that it’s been a pleasure knowing you.

And if you’re reading this, remember . . .

You are the resistance.


  1. If you can believe it, I have yet to get a smartphone. This being the case, I will subscribe to your blog so that, when iPhones take over the world, I, and those of us who have yet to succumb, will remember you and come to your aid. :)

  2. I kid you not, my friend has one and told Siri that he wanted to commit suicide (as a joke) and she told him the directions to the nearest bridge.


    I think I'm going to stick to my blackberry and only buy Mac products for music and computer needs only.

  3. It's probably safest to just stay away from Apple products altogether.

    Although CarrierIQ is scarier. Look it up and prepare to descend into full-fledged paranoia...well, more fully-fledged paranoia at any rate.

  4. Quick! Ask Siri where the best location is for the secret resistance meeting...oh wait.

    In any case, smart phones (or computers in general) are damaging our ability to spell words correctly. That might be another way to destroy culture...and humanity!

  5. SO TRUE. I'll admit it: I've found myself yelling crazily about the rise of the machines with past technological advances, especially every time my husband goes from wanting to centralize our media to making grandiose plans for a smart house ("Don't you watch movies? The house will either kill us or help a mastermind criminal kill us!"). But Siri is on a whole new level, especially if M.S. Tucker's terrifying story is true. I'm glad I have a Droid instead... though actually all the commercials I've seen for the new Droid are about battling robots. Noooo!

  6. I have to kind of agree - we know what could happen (the films you mentioned) and yet we continue to develop the technology. Mankind is a bit daft, really.

    On the other hand - as a self-confessed cynic - I just assumed that the phones don't work as advertised and they instead arrive with an iPhone employee who reads out the text so you don't have to!

  7. Hahahaha! This was awesome. I have an iPhone 3. That means I'm safe.... Right?

  8. Hey--I found your blog through a friend's and loved your post. I am a bit reluctant to any technology--a result of teaching Fahrenheit 451 one too many times! Thanks for your musings.

  9. Colin - I think not having a smart phone is a wise decision, considering. I will definitely let you know about any and all resistance meetings.

    M.S. - That is so not cool. I'm telling you, Siri is evil.

    Andy - STAY AWAY from CarrierIQ

    Chiaki - HAHAHA that is the best response I have EVER read! Let's feed Siri false information!

    Jillian - You're a kindrid spirit. Keep up the crazy yelling. People need to be warned!

    Annalisa - The movies are warning us...but we just don't listen.

    Peggy - you would think so, but I'm pretty sure the iPhone 3 is in cahoots with the rest of them. Beware.

    Brooke - I'm glad you liked it! Farenheit 451 scared me for life too. Don't let technology take over the world!!

  10. A co-worker got an iPhone and insisted I ask Siri a question. It had the opposite effect. "She" couldn't understand a question I was asking. Great and scary feature.

  11. Hell'o, S.L.Hennessy!

    Wow! Initially, I thought I was reading a science fiction piece! You're a great writer! That story captured my attention and drew me write in. If it were a book - it would be a book I couldn't put down!

    I'm not a cell phone person - so I never invest in any of the lates technology, however, appreciate the heads up!

    I'm a relatively new blogger however I'm really getting the hang of it! Got your name from Lynda's blog -so I decided to stop by; she says hello!

    I'm sure I'll do more turing while I'm here- so far its great!!

    I write a lot of poetry. Hope you will stop by!


  12. Well written! This post is hilarious! It's so scary funny and so frightfully true. :)

  13. It's not just Siri we have to worry about...

  14. You have a great sense of imagination. I bet you think Greek Myths are true.