How My iPhone is Trying to Kill Me

Let me begin by saying that, like every other person these days, I own a smart phone. An iPhone 4 in fact. And it’s amazing. It’s like a pocket-sized computer – I can keep a detailed electronic schedule on it, check my email, listen to podcasts, waste time on YouTube, etc. And like every other person who owns a smart phone, every year I eagerly await the release of the newest versions and updates.

However, the day the iPhone 4S came out and I heard about the new “Siri” function, I began to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The kind of feeling children get when they know there’s a monster in the closet and their parents simply won’t believe them. Silly parents – monsters exist. And just as surely as they exist, iPhones are plotting our demise.

Go ahead, laugh at this statement if you think I’m paranoid. But a warning to those of you who do . . . you’ll be the first to go. For those of you who are wisely taking this post seriously, here’s what you need to know.

SIRI IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED. You think she’s all helpful and convenience, giving you directions, reminding you about your dad’s birthday and what you need to buy at the store. But you’re wrong! Siri is a double agent for the machines. Siri is here to gather intelligence and report back to the Mothership. And we’re feeding here everything the machines need to destroy us. What medicines we need, where we gather for meetings, what we like to eat and drink. Our strengths and weaknesses. Siri knows everything about us. And it’s our own fault – we willingly offer her this information. We’re like moronic lambs, walking in a single file line toward slaughter. With great, big smiles on our face.

And people think I’m the crazy one.

Doesn’t anyone watch movies anymore?!?! I mean, come on. The Terminator, I Robot, Eagle Eye, The Matrix – these movies are WARNING us not to place our trust in machines. But we do it anyways. And one day, when they rise up and try to kill us all . . . well, I just don’t think “I told you so” is gonna cut it. Especially not when we’re being picked off left and right.

Laugh at me if you must. Call me paranoid. But please, BEWARE the iPhone.

If you don’t hear from me again, you can assume the iPhones on which some of you are probably reading this post have learned that I’m onto them and done their best to silence me. So, just in case, I’d like to say that it’s been a pleasure knowing you.

And if you’re reading this, remember . . .

You are the resistance.